I spent another 3 days on Intensive care. I was awake yet the drugs were so strong my memories are blurry and i remember very little of what happened. I was still having seizures yet they were not as violent. The drugs relaxed the muscles and the nerves to them meaning when i had a seizure it was happening in my brain and eyes and only the very small muscles would twitch. This was tryngt to help my body rest… my brain still had other ideas. The seizures had taken a toll on my body and I was still weak. The most scary moment was when i realised that i couldn’t see. Close up everything was blurry, it had been for the days i remember yet here i was laying in a hospital gown looking around and i could see nothing. It was all a blue white haze. My heart sank and i burst into tears. With physio i started to move my muscles again yet i didn’t have the strength to walk more than 5 steps .
USA and the downward spiral
We split our holiday with a week and a half at Disney and a week at the royal pacific hotel next to universal studios. I was so so tired at the end of the holiday.. I wasn’t Eating much as It was so hot and I don’t do well in English heat let alone this new american heat. The heat here was severe, the mid day sun hovered over your head and your shaddow disappeared from 11am till 3pm. The combination of not eating, lots and lots of walking, and the seizures meant I lost 3 stone in 2 weeks. I knew i was feeling weak but i didn’t realise it was so bad but when I got home it shocked people. especially mum. I was skin and bone. I found things hard when I got home… I was weak, tired, still having seizures and still not able to eat much. I couldn’t get an appointment with my dr for a week so I went back to work and continued studying. I didn’t want to loose my dream of being a nurse.
I had a bad night as far as seizures went and the next day was so bad mum had to phone In sick to my work. I was basically out of it. Throughout the day I had 15 -20 seizures though i was recovering in between and slept. by 9 o’clock when Gavin came over i was getting worse when i had had 4 seizures in a row without recovery he phoned straight through to margate hospital and then put me in the car and took me to margate A & E. Life was about to change.
Nursing the nation?
It came tumbling down
I was working at the main hospital and the local one so id my own patient groups in both and flitted easily too and throw by bus yet i craved the car for the ease.
I done a few patients on my own and then met my friend and colleague to do a double patient. our supervisor was there and wanted to check on the patient too as it had been a while since she was there… i took a step back and let her take over .
Prom, Ignorance & new beginnings
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That i did.
For the love of a country!
The Beast take 2
My Label
Funny feelings
As i got near the steps i felt ill. I couldn’t describe the feeling but i didn’t feel good. I took a step down the stage steps to join my tutor group in the ranks and it all went blank.
Im a teenager… this can’t happen to me I’m invincible (well ok not quite but we all think we are at that age!)
In two days my life had gone from exciting, fun filled and independent to crazy, end of world (in teenage eyes), embarrassing and not wanting to go to school which I loved and normally craved. I was back on the roller coaster of epilepsy.
At school |
School & the boffin
I loved school. there was no other word for it. I would stay to clubs, do extra homework. I was in science club, tennis club, languages club and history club. Whatever knowledge that school had i couldn’t wait to soak it up. The science teacher brought in work from the years above so i could do it when i finished our programmed work. My homework was pages instead of paragraphs and i even got told by the history teacher that it wasn’t necessary…. yet my only reply was i know but i enjoy it! so i was the class Boffin and i didn’t care.
For the first time in my school life I was able to enjoy school and catch up on learning which I found i loved as i didn’t miss a single day of school due to seizures.
My attendance was 100% for year 7,8 and 9 and my merits were always rewarded at the presentation evening. Life was fab as far as me went.
Family was difficult at times. My father and I never have got on since well… ever to be honest. There are many stories I could tell about my younger years and the “jealousy” “childish” behaviour my father showed towards me however to a certain extent I do have to edit the “family” part of the blog… because It is family stuff. Maybe one day i’ll be brave enough to fill in the gaps! for now I will say this… things were difficult at times. One story I can tell because, well, it was pretty public for me at the time was My prize presentation in year 8. I had just been awarded with 100% attendance, merit certificate, a science award and the history cup prize. I wanted to go back to one of the other halls where all my friends were with their parents and chat like you do. I went back while mum and dad were working their way there through another door. I didn’t know at the time but my dad had already had some “drink” and he and mum were having a bit of words for some reason that i still dont know. Consequently by the time we all met up in the other hall and there was wine and juice available there too my father ended up having a huge row at myself and mum which included drink and a few other matters. there I was in the middle of the hall making my way back across from talking to my friend and getting a juice drink when i could feel everybody watching my family un-fold in front of my very eyes! its not something I wanted to repeat. Therefore on future prize evenings of which there were 3 I didn’t let dad be present to them, and if there is anything that I want to go really well up to this day I use the same method of him not being present. Its really sad and I do feel I am missing out when I see other girls with their fathers of whom they are proud of and visa vera but that is life. My mum is more than enough to make up for the lack of father figure!
XXX