Tag Archives: diazepam

Christmas & New Year

Christmas and new year is always a time I love and dread at the same time. Its very often full of arguments and walking on eggshells with my dad. However I do love the run up to christmas this year was going to be even more special as i was back at band and we had gigs which are always good but the christmas one is amazing. its the best concert of the year and this year I was going to be part of it!. 

The gig went really well as I always does, Kara and family came, mum came and brought my uncle and my cousins came I really enjoyed having my special people there supporting me. It was great. 

You can find videos of the band at  www.youtube.com/tiggerifficjem 

The gig ended and I felt sad… not only cos of that but because christmas was nearly over for me… I love the run up to christmas, not necessarily the actual day. Christmas afternoon is great as I spend it with my nan with my family but the day up to then is tough. 

This year was ok Well not too bad, Dad drank and he got moody but we survived.  Unfortunately half way through the morning I had a seizure. Epilepsy does not even let me rest on Christmas day ! mum was worried as we had to go to nans and have the traditional dinner. I wasn’t really very bothered with dinner but i managed it after a sleep. Another little rest and a read of my book that i got for Christmas and I was ready for nans. This also went well. This is the tradition I love, Going round nans and grandads and opening parcels, playing with crackers and the traditional who can get the streamers from the poppers over the living room light game. I love both my grandparents to bits. They are 89 and 90 years old so every moment is precious. 

Nanny and grandad Christmas 2012

NEW YEAR and new start? or not. 

New year we were invited over to Kara’s. Well it was the 2nd of January as our new year but to us it was new year. All day I had been feeling grotty, my head was hurting so bad, I stayed calm all day and kept taking the pills as I was allowed and prescribed. I still felt awful. 

The evening came and I selected my clothes, sat on the edge of the bed and knew that If I went out it would be a mistake. I said to mum how bad I felt but she said it was too late… we cant let Kara down this late notice. So I got my clothes on, downed some more medication and kept my fingers crossed. 

Our new years wasn’t the type that your probably thinking… we played monopoly ! The food was lovely although I only had a little and the games and company were good but as the night went on I felt even worse. We left. 
I braced myself as I walked home, and as soon as I got there I grabbed my Injection and pressed it into my upper thigh. This was a full blown cluster and I was about to go into a seizure too…. I was very poorly. The cluster headache died down after about a hour however the seizures didn’t. There isn’t much research into cluster headaches and epilepsy as cluster headaches are quite rare however one of the consultants I have seen told me that a cluster headache inflames the brain and the inflammation causes the seizures. 
I blanked out with the seizures again. That night I ended up in hospital again. So much for a new year and new start. No matter how much you want the seizures to go away they wont. 
I came home and once again ended up with a few days in bed and My eye was black. I was weak but I recovered and The year began again for me just a little late!

One year ago.

The next 2 days I had night fits and so sleep wasn’t great… dad was being his normal self and so i was a little stressed.
I needed to get out. emails/fb messages and texts had been going between Tory and I so to save me running round doing jobs with mum I went to the activity box. I was scared at first but took my oxygen and had phone off lock and Tory new everything. The day went great. i was exhausted at the end but i did some painting on the floor when i started to ache in the chair….  but still it was great. The work experience boy was a drummer so i tried to get him into coastal band…. i think he may be interested.
Pat, Tory and i spoke a lot over the last few days about my interest in art and the craftbox…I was asked to do the disney side, and to paint a few pieces. 

A few weeks passed and then another blip..
One Monday I was at the craftbox on my art class course… I felt ok’ish… my head was pounding but id taken pills and i was doing my painting. Well i obviously looked ill as Tory managed to get me downstairs… I had a seizure and another and another.. luckily we had oxygen and i was able to come round in between but then that stopped… no more coming round. The ambulance was called and I was taken to the local hospital but different from the one i normally go to. I hate this hospital. I was given oxygen as the fits had stopped and had neuro obs done in a fashion… I can remember being pulled and poked and shouted at while i was struggling to sit and keep upright and stay awake.. I’ve never struggled so so much to keep awake as a dr was shouting. He finished and asked how i felt.
I told him i still had my aura of a funny feeling in my stomach and like i was going to have another seizure.. He told me that stomach pain is nothing to do with epilepsy and i was discharged and out the cubicle in 5 minutes… i guess they wanted the bed !

I can’t remember much apart from the struggle to walk.. I didn’t really know where I was and mum told me she was literally dragging me out the hospital. The next thing I know I was waking up on the cold floor of the outside of the hospital… id had 3 more seizures. There was a couple of nurses i think and i was taken back to A&E. Mum had called dad to come get us earlier on and now he came and I was back… I’m not sure he was happy about having a wasted journey but then he saw a fit and realised this was probability where i needed to be. I was kept overnight and discharged on the tuesday morning.
I was stressed and pissed off and wanted to be anywhere but on this plannet but here I was. Wednesday I was determined that this teapot was going to get done. I went to the craftbox with mum. we had a lovely morning and id nearly got it done. I had a appt with my dr consultant in the afternoon so After a lovely morning of watching Tory and Pat sorting shelves, eating brownies and scones and strawberries, and me painting my teapot and minnie mouse i went to the appt. the consultant was helpful yet disappointed as i was but didn’t say as much i i had hoped… I came back to the craftbox to collect some bits and finnish off as Kara was there now too. Tory had given me a lot of bisque to paint for disney style so she can sell them too.
Kara offered me a lift home which i agreed to but then felt odd… i text mum straight away to come and get me but by the time she came i was out again. I can’t remember much from here on but mum said she came and then Tory called Pat to come down to help. I can remember Pat’s hand and voice at times. Then mum called Grumpy off the bus cos this was the wost she’d seen me.
He came I was taken to the city hospital and stuck onto Phenytoin drips and saline as my bp very very low….. 40/38 ! ! ! 

anyway the next 2 days were awful… I did however meet my ex mentor who was lovely on one of the wards. It was a bit embarrassing though having seizures in front of someone who helped train me to be a nurse.
I had to move from there to the neuro ward and thats when it all went wrong…. The drugs by this time had racked my system and i was not me.. i cannot remember a thing but being in a very small room and dr’s and nurses in the room crowding me trying to explain about brain scarring. I asked if i could have just a couple as i was feeling very claustrophobic and sick but they refused to leave… i apparently became very agitated sat on the floor…. i guess to get out of all the heads and tried to get out the hospital. bloody locked wards !

Kara was there and had gone to the lounge so i went there and i panicked. I phoned the only person i knew understood what was going on and may be able to help me so i wasn’t so crowded with people… Tory.  I now know I probably shouldn’t have but i needed a friend who could talk hospital language and help me stop these people all talking to me at once… I had asked to talk to one person and that didnt work. Tory was my only thought to help… I thought she was a good friend.

She is a friend but at that moment not in the situation on that day….. The drugs had caused me to not know what had really happened that day. I felt back at square one. Alone with no one understanding what epilepsy and these drugs do to my body. I am still doing commissions. I still feel very unhappy and disappointed  that this happened though. I had lost control over my body once again.

I finally got out of hospital on the saturday and received (mum received) a call from my consultant. As we are at the moment we are still waiting to hear and get an appointment for help and talk about london.

Im still having the seizures much worse than i was although i am coming out of them so that is good!
i don’t want to go back to hospital as I’m so so sore . my veins are hard as rock again and all very painful… phenytoin and diazepam and all the other drugs that I get given are  nasty drugs but good as they work.

Magick keept me company in the three weeks i was in bed.
my best friend in the shape of a cat !

I stayed in bed for about 3 weeks after coming out of hospital. The seizures had racked my body. Sore joints and muscle weakness, My left eye had also gone black and i was unable to see out of it. This had happened before but this time it seemed worse Normally it was blurry but this time it was black. 

This was about a year ago….. more has happened since then. 

Life after diagnosis

And yes don’t worry there is a life after diagnosis…. it’s just a little more complicated than before! but we fight it disney style : with positivity and sparkles all the way!So for the next couple of weeks life continued. I went to school and all was ok although after mum told the school I was banned from using the PE equipment as I could fall off!. My mum, had to learn how to use rectal diazepam which would get me out of a seizure if it didn’t happen on its own. I was too young to know or remember too much of the details. my life’s roller coaster was going at full speed and downwards.Life again continued on its merry way and apart from a few seizures I didn’t take much notice. As a young child you take things in your stride and grow to live with things. I wasn’t to know this wasn’t normal!. My mum on the other hand had to deal with the stigma of having a child with epilepsy. I now know after mum telling me that some of the parents told their children not to go near me because I had epilepsy!!! If any of those parents are reading this blog now…. shame on you but thank you because you are some of the reason I am the strong person i am today and am campaigning form more awareness. 
At the age of 7 I moved.  This was great fun as we actually moved on 24th November (my birthday) not only was it my birthday but it was snowing too! great fun for me but not so for the move.I was on a bit of a buzz as Topper and I (topper being out toy poodle)  were staying with nan and grandad who had made me a cake and brought me the biggest polly pocket world i’d seen… I was loving it.  I had to change schools and life was better. We were nearer to the rest of the family and I was going to the same school as my mum and cousins had been to. I met a new cousin while at school that i didn’t even know about so life was great. Then things changed Although i loved school, I was worried what the people, and my new friends would do if the seizures (fits as i called them) reared their ugly head. I would had to face another set of kids with the same kinda questions as the last. It didnt happen and I ended loving my new school, friends and life much better than my old school.