Tag Archives: confidence

Confidence at Gigs

Stress causes seizures too, and I was under alot of stress over this this past week, There were issues after I subbed for a band last saturday and because of this, I found myself spacing out most of the day and my big seizures well increased a little too. 

The rest of the week I went to KCCB on monday (mark wasn’t there but Kara wanted to come and see if she thought it was possible to sing so there was no probs with someone to go with). It was a lovely practice though hard. I had a lovely pressie from my friend Judi of this beautiful sparkly and purple bracelet… ive not taken it off except to shower and bath yet cos its so lovely.

Bracelet from Judi 

Tuesday was as per normal a bad day for me… I often suffer on tuesdays for the long and late night on mondays but coastal is so worth it. The next day I went shopping for ball gowns… I came up with a georjus red one however it had a stain so I didn’t buy it. I love the style though.We had to get home pretty quick as I was feeling really poorly and had oxygen on route home… I managed to get to bed and chill for the rest of the day.  Kara came round on thursday and we were going to the craft box… we got there though and there was a mass of children… we got our paint and left rapidly. I wasn’t feeling too good 15 mins later anyway so I’m glad we didn’t stay. I didn’t let on to kara though and we managed a couple of shops she wanted to do and then got home. the next couple of days (friday and saturday) I had problems with big seizures. I had 4 tonic-clonics in just one day, I was spacing most of the day too but that was least of my probs. I took it east and just chilled and had mostly pj days on the sofa with films and pussy cat cuddles. Magick knows if i don’t feel right and always comes for his cuddles. I really was trying to be good and rest as I had a concert at a bandstand with KCCB on sunday and really love their concerts. 

The rest paid off and I managed to feel ok to go to the gig. Judi was really lovely and was giving me a lift. Its always a bit scary when going anywhere with someone who you’ve not gone / been alone with before but I trust Judi a lot and she’s a kind person. I felt ok and was (still am) on my stronger meds which I always go on during a bad patch and so I was covered! I hoped. 

The gig went really well but was exhausting (as band and gigs always are) I find gigs are more strenuous as its constant playing and in a different environment. 
Judi dropped me off at the bandstand and went to find a parking  space. the first thing I found was that the bandstand was quite small for the band. The flute section was really tight and I panicked as where I was sitting there would be no way i’d get out in time if I felt a seizure coming on… if i felt it coming on at all (some are just sudden). I always like to be able to get out and here I couldn’t. There was no way round it though. The head of section in bands always sits on the end. Next to her was another lady who would never move in a million years so I just prayed hard that I would get through. Though gigs like this really do scare me to death. Music does make me forget and be normal but there is always that arghh thing especially in public and situations like this that makes me not be able to. 
As the pieces were played I was getting tired, making my anxieties worse. I was so glad when It was break time. I went and sat round the back of the bandstand after saying hi to mark. It was quiet and I wanted to try chill and I did. Mark judi and giles came over and auben sat with us it was all good. I was knackered and felt a bit odd but not too much. I got asked many times if I was ok and that non-defeatest part of me put on a smile and yep im fine. Im sure mark knew I was knackered and on the edge ha ha

This lovely picture was taken at that moment. 

Back: Mark, Front: Giles, Me (Jo), Judi, Albun

After break we had to start again and back into the cramped bandstand where I couldn’t get out! the second half went quite quick and It was good. I had taken my meds that I needed to at break and all went really well. The end of the gig and we packed up and sorted and then walked to Judi’s car which (she did tell me) was parked a long way away…. I didnt realise how far though. I made it but how I dont know ha ha. We had a good journey home. 

I got in and was exhausted. I put my Pj’s on straight away, grabbed a sandwich as I’d not eaten since 10 am and it was now about 6pm ! I sat and watched a film on my laptop but never saw much as I fell asleep. I woke at 8 and had a massive headache. I took some pills and went to get my things ready for the next day as we are looking after my nan and grandad this week so need to get up and go early as we need to light the fire and help them get up and dressed etc. I had a sudden drop seizure. I woke up and mum was there. I must have hit my head on something as I had a cut on my face. It was a little sore and bleeding. It was ok and wiped off the blood ok. I was so dozey and even more tired now mum helped me to bed and thats where I stayed. I must have fallen asleep again and woke up the next morning. (today!). 

Today has been a bit weird but ok. I ave had a headache all day but thats not unusual after a day like yesterday. I am really tired but that could be from either drugs or the manic weekend. Im happy though. Im sitting painting some glass work for my friend Linda. 

Thats it for now guys so say hi send me a message it will be good to hear your stories too. 

Cheerio ! 


Halloween is one of my most favourite times of the year. I love the spookiness, the food and autumn nights and it gives us adults a chance to make up and dress up without getting funny looks ! Just the last couple of years Halloween has been fab in our town. There is a group of people who have got together and organise a Zombie craw and this year (the 2nd year) we are also having a zombie ball.

I this year I was going as a zombie sleeping beauty, Kara as a zombie teacher and Mark and his daughter a zombie man and zombie school girl. 

The run up to the even was great I loved dressing up and making up and it was a real buzz. The crawl was to be longer this year and i was also asked to shake one of those buckets where people put money (the events these people do always raise money for some charity). Anyway the night came and we were all made up and ready to go. 

It was FREEEZING ! oh boy it was cold. Mark, nic, kara and I all went and and after many photos the crawl begun. by the time we got 3/4’s round i felt it was literally a crawl i knew it was supoesto be longer than last year but compared to last year it was a hike! 
We all returned to the hall where the ball was to be held safely, exhausted and freezing but the night was young and we soon warmed up. 
The event was a disco and a dj with all the gear was on the stage, the music was loud and fab. I hadnt gone to an even like this since a ball about 7 years ago. I had checkedd before booking that there would be no strobes that would set my seizures off  and  there wasnt… the night went really well and we all had a good time. 
For once I felt normal 


Loss of Confidence

If theres something I’ve learnt and thats life is precious. Epilepsy does scare me sometimes and so do the cluster headaches. I try not to show it, i don’t like to and I hope that people wouldn’t know unless they know me wouldn’t know what my life is about just by looking at me… why would they unless they spend enough time with me.   This time really did scare me. I had taken a picture half an hour previous to my fits and the next day when i was out of hospital i looked at it and there is no sign of what was to come. Like a time bomb waiting to go off? 

Painting before my seizure at the craft box

The next few days I rested and watched so many films that I would be great on a tv quiz show!
Monday I was due to go to art class. I really wanted to go as not only was I bored but I wanted to start on my big canvas. The problem was the art class was at the craft box where i had last been and ended up in hospital. I was embarrassed and scared to go back. Being the stubborn person I am (even to myself) i thought it was something i had to do… I thought if i didn’t i would never go back. I Picked up some flowers on route as I felt that Tory really deserved them she helped me that day more than I think she realises.

Mum dropped me off outside and I went in I was shaking, not only because I felt awful but I was so embarrassed. I met the other lady who was there that day but I had no idea how much she saw, if she knew or what as I was too out of it that day to know. She said Tory wasn’t there… My heart sank. I immediately started to feel scared as I knew Tory better and I was so unsure in my own body at the moment. I felt so alone.

I was given a task to do from the art teacher and just sat down and done it… i was shaking inside and my head was pounding. The infection had started to take its toll and my kidney was a constant pain in my side. I finished the task and was actually quite pleased with it. Now for the big canvas.

I started on the work but was so tired i was nearly in tears. I was scared and I felt I had to leave and quick. I made my excuses and left.
I walked up the road, stood alone, still and was in tears what had I done I should have phoned mum before I left. Now I was alone in the street and no help or security. I called mum straight away and she came down to get me.. I when home and cried. What a baby I though… yet now I felt It would be more difficult to go back.

Life was bad again and I was so so upset and tired.
The next day I got up and brushed myself off and told me not to be stupid I went to the craft box. I had to finnish dads plaque I was shaking when mum took me down. I wish mum would go but mum said no and made me do it alone. So i did. I went in and Tory was there. Relief yet embarrassment and I still couldn’t stop shaking.
I done half of dads plaque but was too tired to do the rest. Kara needed to come down that afternoon so i went home, had lunch and slept. 3:30 claire and i went back and  finished the plaques.


WHOOP finally happy!