Tag Archives: Joints


Well the last few weeks have been a struggle. Ive gone through many emotions a few different drs and hospitals. The news on all fronts have not been great and ive not been feeling great on top of that. Basically life seems a viscious circle in many ways. The seizures cause joint pain, headaches and stress of family, friends and in turn make things difficult. I want to do things but I get limited by people thinking they know what is best for me when in fact they are making life worse… more stressful because I still want to try being “normal” whataever that is. Its not like i want to be like everyone else… thats never been my style However I want to live life, Enjoy what I can. Yes sometimes I push things to the limit but life is for adventure and for living. Not sitting on the sidelines wondering what is out there. Ive also been having worse cluster headaches. I haven’t spoken about cluster headaches much in this blog I know but yes I have cluster headaches too. Diagnosed when i was sitting with my epilepsy consultant one time and my Dr asked me some (what I thought) odd questions on my next appointment after reading my hospital notes. I answered them and bang – another diagnosis, lot of pills and other things to learn/ understand. Well i’ve been reasonably coping until recently. My episodic clusters have turned into chronic meaning they are several times a day. This does not help the seizures either.
We have also found that my seizures occur when i’m in pain and my oxygen levels drop – hence alot of the time im hooked up to oxygen trying to quench a headache and stop seizures. Sometimes it works – sometimes it doesn’t. Either way its another thing in the way of life. Ive not had a seizure free day (grandmal becasue I dont really count the absence ones) in 5 weeks. Before this I maybe got one ever 2 weeks. Im getting tired now, my joints are suffering badly and Ive damaged my neck. Im now at the stage where Ive got some things in order and now its time to fight or run and damn the consequences. Im not going to run im going to fight for as long as I can and for as hard as I can.

Fight for fun
Fight for life
Fight for a seizure free day 
Fight for a pain free Day
Fight for epilepsy awareness.

 Im waiting for an appointment go go back to london for more treatment of some sort – we dont know what yet. I know surgery is not an option unless they find something new as my seizure focus (where the epilepsy is and starts) is no longer in just one side of the brain but both. its not just in the one lobe anymore but in 3. time will tell but for now I dont know what the answer is. 

A poem edited for epilepsy: 

“What Epilepsy Cannot Do”
Epilepsy is so limited…
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

Even if just for a moment it does any of the things above… epilepsy and everything else will not win I have epilepsy – it does NOT have me.It is not Who I am – it is only part of me. I am not defined by it – i dont want to be.If I die tomorrow I want to be remembered as the bubbly crazy wacky purple, glittery disney loving girl  who was fighting for epilepsy awareness. Fighting for funding for people to help find the cure we all need. I want to leave my mark on the world. Help and inspire people – that is my wish.

Night night. xxx

Nothingness and everything.

This is a hard blog but it had to be done. If you feel like this know you are not alone… I am there too. 

“I don’t want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. have done something wrong, something so huge,  I can’t even see it, something that’s drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.” 

― Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye

This pretty much sums it up at the moment. In the last week I have been through so many emotions. Happiness at living life and enjoying things on Monday to totally down and in trouble for the rest of the week. Yesterday I felt I was on the up again and today Im even further down than I’ve been all week. This time i feel I’m not mentally strong enough I’m loosing control of myself, my body, my worth I’m sitting here feeling like my heart and soul for life is not strong enough to battle this beast. I’ve felt this way before… Many years ago. I promised myself I wouldn’t go there again but it may be a promise I can’t keep. Even my promises to myself are empty. 

It’s harder because I thought I was crawling out of this ditch yesterday…. It was a “good as can be day”. I was happy… I went out in the car and it was lovely. Exhausting but lovely.
Today I am in the depts of depression because the beast is starting to leave its marks on me. Never did I think my seizures would impact on me like this… Ive been tough, strong, a tigger that always bounces back…. not at the moment. The beast is making marks.Maybe not so people can see when I put my mask of happiness on but to me the marks are like hard heavy dirty footprints in soft mud. 

* Medication has weakened my teeth and bones.
* Seizures have damaged muscles and ligaments.
* Headaches from seizures and the amount of seizures mean I’m taking more and more medication. 
* Seizures cause bruising, scrapes, cuts and scars. 
* Bad seizures that make my jaw tense and clench hard have broken teeth. 

Im loosing more and more confidence of my own body every day…. Wondering when and where it will let me down next. Always looking for somewhere to run and hide if I need to. The world being split in two… one that is the lovely world where I am normal and my mask protects me from everything and then the real world… where my mask is just a face I put on and sometimes this will fail like today.

I see mum struggle with things. She has her own problems with things but she struggles with me and the beast too. It’s impacting on her which I hate to see. It’s not fair on her. Would it be better if I want here? It’s got it’s grip into me, the beast of epilepsy will not let go at the moment. I want  to live life not be stuck in limbo where I feel at the mo. Mum struggles with grumpy being just that.. grumpy. Just last night there were problems – not to be discussed here but just that he acts as he does and makes life difficult for others. 

I am made to feel that this is something I have done wrong, something that I am making happen. Its not –  I know but sometimes it feels like I’m brainwashed by the end of the day to believe that the beast is here for a reason, I have done something bad and I am being punished with having epilepsy. I get minutes where I think Its not my fault but then he will say something and Its my fault again, and I believe it.
 I am “ruining the family” (his words not mine). I have “split the family – made his life bad and he doesnt have a life” ? 

Well I know in reality that this is not true.. He definitely has a better life than I do… at least grumpy has had 67 years of good health, friends, travel, two marriages – three children. Not that he has made right decisions or valued any of the above but he has had the chance to do this. 

I am 26  – had two serious partners one ended quite abusive and was apparently my fault again because of epilepsy and the other just couldn’t cope with me not being able to do things all the time because Id had a seizure that morning and couldn’t walk round the city that afternoon. I probably will never have children due to the pure amount of medication Ive been on since age 4. One Dr even sat me down and severely told me not to get pregnant. 
As for travel and just life well I had plans, they got eaten by epilepsy. Career? I had one…. That got eaten too. Friends? well I have some awesome friends but many have left because Im probably not the friend that they want – I cant go nightclubbing, drinking till pissed and all that stuff…. In fact Ive not been in a nightclub. 

So as for not having a life… maybe he should think again because from where I am right now I would love that life. Not only has he had one but he is now waited on hand and foot by a wife who despite all the shit she gets from him with nothing in return – not even just a civil conversation or thank you. 

Im not going crazy but I do feel depressed. Depression hurts, Its a pain deep inside the body, heart and stomach. It affects everything – I will stay strong. 

So here I am writing this depressing blog which no-one probably reads but at least if you are someone searching the web feeling like I do or have in the past… you may stumble upon me and this blog and realise you are NOT alone. This may be a depressing blog but life is not all smiles and sunshine. There are clouds too. Im in the dark black clouds trying to fight my way out. Hopefully I will. I am getting dragged to a place I don’t want to go again. 

Remember I love you all and appreciate everything.